Alleiea

This site is optimised for viewing with IE5+ at 1024x768.

Sunday, October 6, 2024

SOLEIL (PART 3)

For a while, everything did turn out to be all right. Her appetite seemed to have lessened considerably but she seemed okay. I became more hopeful each day. I suppose I wanted to believe in happy endings. After all, miracles do happen. I wanted to believe that we could have a miracle of our own.

"Nick, will you please give these to Soleil." Mom handed me a basket of fruit. I just came home from class and found her in the kitchen, putting vegetables in our refrigerator. The radio was on, playing a Christmas song in the middle of November.

"Thanks, mom." I murmured, knowing the fruit will have rotted before all of them would be eaten. "That's very sweet of you.

She stopped what she was doing and looked at me strangely. "Is something wrong?"

Startled, i didn't realize I was frowning. "uh, no, mom. It's just that Soleil doesn't eat very much these days. I'm a little worried."

"Oh, dear. Should I come see her?"

I smiled. My mother had more than given her blessings to us. "No, you don't have to. But she would be very happy to see you."

She nodded and continued arranging the rest of the groceries. "Okay, but not now just yet. I still have a lot of work to do and I'm already behind with my schedule. You know that it's the end of the year and we have a lot of auditing to do in the office."

"I know, mom. Don't worry about it."

"Anyway, did you ask her if they could spend Christmas with us. I know it's a little early to ask her but she might make other plans and then it would be too late."

I couldn't help laughing. "Yes, and she's very touched to be invited. So am I." My mother could outtalk anyone I know. That's why she and Aunt Claudia got along just fine when they first met at the hospital where Soleil goes for her checkup. Mom works as an accountant for the administration, and I once dragged her to Soleil's room. Both of them were nervous at first but my mom's natural warmth overcame all constraints. The rest just came naturally.

"Good." She said, without even missing a beat. "Give her my love when you go see her."

"Okay." I mumbled and begann to turn away with the basket in my hand.

"Nick." she called suddenly.

"Yes, mom?"

"We're still friends, aren't we?"

I grinned. "Of course. You're my best friend. Why shouldn't we be?"

She hesitated visibly. "Then you know I am here for you. No matter what happens."

That wiped the smile on my face. "I-uh-did someone in the hospital say anything to you?"

"No." She responded quickly. "I just wanted, you know, I just wanted you to know that I'll always be here for you"

It took another moment before I can respond. "I know mom." I said softly, grateful for the offer and finally turned away before she could see the flare of anger in my eyes.

The days rolled on and Soleil and I trudged along. Soon it was my holiday break and Christmas was at our doorstep. Time had a way of speeding along when you wanted the days to grow longer. I still refused to believe that I was running out of time.

A couple of weeks after my prelims, Soleil was hospitalized again for four days. The doctors agred to send her home. AIDS was a relatively new disease and the local community was not really equipped to handle specialized care. Soleil refused to go to a government center so the hospital arranged for a health worker to periodically check on her. It took a lot out of me to accept the situation but I realized there was hardly a thing I can do about it.

I watched her grow weaker everyday, the pain and anger continually building up within me. It had become a strain to do everything else. My grades began a downhill path and it must have taken a lot of restraint for my mother, who put value on education above all else, not to reprimand me.

Everything almost came crashing down when Gabriel, my best friend came to see me at home. I felt guilty because we have not spent time together anymore. He was already there waiting when I arrived. So I asked Cocoy, my younger brother to buy us some drinks and we relaxed in our small garden. We tried to catch up on things we missed but there was a hanging strain between us.

"I really wish you'd get a grip, pare." He said suddenly, a bottle of beer on his hand.

I took another swallow before responding. "What the heck are you talking about? I'm fine. I just need to catch up with my grades at the finals but that's about it. It's just a low period."

"It's not only your school work, Nick." He shook his head as he regarded me. "Look, I'm your best friend so I'm telling you this. You can't take out your anger with everyone else."

I stiffened.

"You're so touchy lately that it's getting harder to talk without you snapping somebody's head off."

The moon was riding high that night and the light cast everything in shadows. "Is this why you came here? Pare, I don't need a lecture right now."

"This is not a lecture, Nick. I'm trying to tell you that you may not know it but everyone's trying to be considerate. Do you know that it's virtually a miracle that you don't hear those people talking about you."

"Talking about me? What for?"

"Pare, some people won't even go near you, scared that you may have the virus yourself. Laughing about you, making crude jokes at your expense. But not us. We know its rough, but its getting harder to deal with you nowadays."

He gestured with his hands. "It's not our fault your girlfriend's going to die soon."

A flash of anger began to engulf me and I grabbed him by the shirt. "Don't say that! She's not going to die!"

Surprised and angry, he pushed me away, rising to his feet. "Hey! What's the matter with you? Are you blind and can't even see what's happening right before your eyes."

"Stop it or I'll-"

"You'll what?" He snapped, rearranging his shirt. "You'll hit me? Well, come on. You're like a volcano waiting to erupt anyway, come here and try to deck me."

I watched him standing defensively, waiting for my next move. The door opened and mom stepped out.

"I think you better go." I muttered, gritting my teeth.

Without another word, he said goodbye to my mother and left. I could hear mom softly talking apologetically to Gabriel as she escorted him out. In two minutes, she came back to me and put a hand on my shoulder.

"Don't lose your friends, Nick." She said softly. "They're trying to do what they can."

I could not say anything and she patted my hand before leaving me alone again.

Christmas. Time for holiday cheers and giving gifts. For tradition and faith, for love and miracles.

When we stepped out out of the car, mom and the other members of my family were already waiting in the livingroom. They were all kind and supportive that it made me glad she was part of our holiday tradition. Whatever my family's failings, I would always be grateful to them for this night. In that respect, I was lucky to have a family that had a singular response to public opinion.

"Here, honey." Mom handed a gift-wrapped package to Soleil. Aunt Claudia was talking to my widower uncle Joseph and we were sitting in the living room, watching the exchange of gifts by everyone. It was a family tradtion to distribute the gifts an hour before Noche Buena. So that the midnight supper would not be disrupted by impatient children howling to open their gifts. Of course, dinner was still disrupted by impatient children who can't wait to play with their new toys.

Soleil gave a quick glance at me, then to my mother. "I-thank you, Tita Bing." Like me and her aunt, her relationship with my mother had grown to a point that Soleil calls my mother Tita Bing. But she was still a little shy when talking to my family.

"I hope you like it." My mom smiled. "The embroidery you gave me was beautiful."

Soleil had crosstitched a rather complex pattern that she started doing almost three months ago. What with her varying strengths, it took her longer to finish and Mom knew the effort she put into it.

With an impatient hand, she tore at the wrappings and opened the box. A knitted scarf with white lace lay amongst the wax paper lining. A sigh of pleasure escaped her and she smiled happily at my mom.

"It's very lovely, Tita Bing." She said, feeling the cloth against her cheek. "Thank you. Thank you so much."

"I was not very patient with needle point so I bought that one at a shop in a mall in Cubao. I was afraid you might not be happy with it."

"Oh, no, Tita." She reached for my mom's hand and held it. "I'm very, very happy with it."

Mom did not even flinch from her touch. "Well then, I'm glad. Are you hungry, by the way? We will be having our Noche Buena in fifteen minutes but I'm sure a little snack won't hurt your appetite."

"That's okay. I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Don't worry, mom." I interceded. "I'm taking very good care of her."

My mom looked at me with suspicion. "You better, young man." She said, wagging a finger at me. "I have to leave you kids for a while. I'll have to see to the last of the preparations, make sure that the children are not smearing the walls with chocolate cake."

She left the two of us laughing, the scarf already resting comfortably on her shoulders.

"Want to go outside, honey, and break in the scarf?"

Soleil gave a short laugh. "Sure. If that's all we're going to do."

I grinned. "I'll try to keep my hands to myself. Besides, I want to give my gift to you in private."

"Well, in that case." She said, reaching a box at the table near her. "I might as well give you my gift in private too."

The garden was relatively peaceful, everyone was inside the house and we were alone. It would have been quieter if not for some of my neighbours who went ahead and celebrated the New Year a few days earlier. Somehow, that irritated me and my good mood evaporated quickly.

"People don't seem to realize that this was supposed to be a solemn holiday."

"Oh, don't be so grumpy, Nicholas. It's Christmas, after all. Lately, you're getting to be moodier all the time."

It was almost as if she and Gabriel had been talking behind my back. Except that they don't know each other very well. The one time I brought Gabriel with me to see her, he was so uncomfortable that I did not ask him to tag along anymore.

"Okay, you're right. People should be throwing firecrackers in the streets, instead of praying in thanksgiving for the birth of our Lord Christ. A lot of accidents happened because of stupid people like them."

She did not respond, staring at a distance. I realized I was being unreasonable and probably sounded like a raving lunatic, but didn't really care. Then the silence bothered me.

"I-I'm, Soleil, I'm sorry. That was a stupid thing to say. I'm acting like a jerk tonight of all nights."

She took a deep breath. "Oh, Nick. Things are going crazy for you, isn't it?"

"Honey-"

"I'm sorry, darling." She said quietly, still not looking at me. "Maybe it would be better if you don't come to my house anymore."

I was surprised. "What?' I turned her to look at me. "Soleil, no. No, no, no. Don't say things like that. I know I was being cranky and I'm sorry. I was just letting off steam, I guess. The preparation took longer than I expected and I'm just tired."

Her fingers reached out to brush my face and I grasped it to kiss her open palm. "I love you so much, honey."

"Nick, I love you too. More than anything else."

"Let's not fight, okay. I wanted this Christmas to be special for both of us."

For several moments, her sad eyes seemed to say something more, then she gave me a small smile. "Okay, where's my gift?"

Grateful for the change of conversation, I eagerly dug through my jacket pocket. When I took out a small velveteen box, she looked at me with gay anticipation.

"What is it?"

I was suddenly nervous. It had seemed expensive when I bought it. Now, it did not seem enough. "I-uh-"

She took the box from my hesitant hand and opened it. "Oh, Nick. " She breathed, staring at the ring. She took it out of the box and saw our names engraved within the bed band. "It's beautiful."

"It-it's not that good, I know. But just you wait. I'll buy you a better one when I get this high paying job after school."

Soleil pulled me and gave me a kiss on the lips. "Shut up, Nicholas. I loved it."

"Really?"

"Yes." She said and handed the ring back to me. "Would you kindly slip it to my finger?"

"Why, I would be very happy to, madame." The ring fit her perfectly and I grinned happily. "There you go."

She spent a moment admiring it and handed me small book-sized package. "Now, open mine. I'm afraid it may not be equal to the gift I have just received but I hope you'd like this one."

I grinned at her. "You're beginning to sound like my mother. " I tore the wrapping paper off and and opened the box. There we were, sitting on a picnic blanket. My arms around her and the wind against our faces, daring the world to come and take what we have, in a framed photograph.

It had been skillfully retouched and she looked so healthy, so unlike her today.

"It's our picnic." I said, in a rush of feeling that threatened to engulf me.

Soleil watched the expression on my face happily. "You remembered."

"Of course I remembered." I whispered. "I'll always remember."

I pulled her to my arms and we held each other tight. After a while, mom hollered at us to eat. It's Christmas Day.

Three days after New Year, Soleil was admited for the last time at St. Luke's Medical Center. Aunt Claudia called up my mother while I was in school that day.

Mother had me called at the Dean's Office and told me on the phone. I left for the hospital immediately. I was not asked to wear the usual reverse isolation gown and mask but was just led inside. It was then that I knew.

Unlike most things in the movies or television, there were no lengthy conversations about the things we did, or the things we had. Soleil had been too weak to speak and I guess I was busy trying to hold on to the present that the past meant nothing. I told her over and over how much I loved her. Then, finally, I had to let her go. Her sad eyes were growing weaker and tired that I knew she was just trying to say her goodbyes as gently as she could. So for the hundredth time, I told her how much she meant to me and kissed her goodbye. When she closed her eyes, the room seemed to darken even more.

She wore the scarf my mother gave her last Christmas when we buried her. My mother was there with me and even Gabriel showed up. I just stood there, numb and unable to cry. After the funeral, I brought Aunt Claudia home alone.

It was the first time I went inside their house since that day at the hospital. It took me a moment longer to tell myself again that she was not inside her room, resting.

"Nick."

I looked at the older woman, startled to see her staring at me. "Uh, will you be okay here on your own, Aunt Claudia?" I asked, a little embarassed.

"I will be. Will you?"

I swallowed, trying to make light of things. "Uh, yes. Of course. Don't you worry about me. Mom will make sure I'm fine."

Unable to meet her kind eyes, I looked down at my feet. "Nick, we all miss her." She said softly. "I'm sure she knows that."

I nodded numbly, not trusting myself to speak. Then she placed an envelope in my hand.

"She asked me to give this to you." She gave me another smile. "Please take care of yourself, Nicholas."

I stared at the envelope inmy hand for what seemed a long time. Then I gave her a kiss and stepped out of the house. Four years later, I gathered enough courage to return to that house. But back then, I thought I never would be able to.

I was afraid to read the letter so soon even after I reached Roxas Boulevard. I must have been sitting on the grass for an hour before finally opening the envelope. When I took out the paper, something fell to my legs. It was the necklace she was always wearing. I remembered the first time I saw her, reading quietly underneath a tree. I almost shoved back the letter but finally decided to get it over with.

Dearest Nick,

        When you gave me that ring at Christmas, I couldn't help wishing we could be together forever. That we can be like any ordinary couple with ordinary plans and dreams. But some things are not meant to be, I guess. I had a wonderful time with your family that Christmas, though. That was, perhaps, the closest thing to normalcy that we will ever have.
        But I never regretted it. Meeting you was a good thing and loving you was the best possible thing that could ever happen to me. If there was anything at all that I regretted, it was how my sickness was affecting you. If only I could have taken away all of your pain, I would have done so in a second. I have loved you so much that seeing you hurting was too much for me to bear. There was not a moment that I did not pray for you, for both of us. You still have a good life, my love, please don't lose yourself in anger. You are such a wonderful person to let life beat you. I want you to be happy, and not cover yourself with grief and frustration.
        How can I tell you all that you had been to me? You were my laughter and my hope. I had been dying for so long that I had forgotten how it is to live. I was tired of living until you came out of nowhere, babbling about poetry that afternoon in campus. I knew you were lying about Lord Byron but you were so nervous that I just had to laugh. You could always make me laugh, Nick.
        For a long time, I was just surviving the day-to-day routine but you changed all that. I had been very lucky to have found you. Not many could say that, but I could. Not many could have what we had, and for that, all those lonely years I spent alone had been more than compensated.
        So, I am leaving you my necklace and the ring that you gave me. I will not be needing them anymore but I know you will keep them safe. Let it remind you of the times we spent together, of the love we will always have. I will take that love with me wherever I go and I will always be with you.
        Someday, I hope someone will come to make you smile again. I'll never begrudge you of happiness, my love. That someone will make you laugh once more and I'll love her as much as you would. For now, I would like to say again, I love you Nicholas Barretto. With all my heart and with all my soul. You are a part of me and I will never forget.

Soleil

I pulled the envelope open and realized that the ring was there. i took it out and slipped it into the necklace, making a pendant before clasping it around my neck.

"Why are you crying, Mister?"

I looked up to see a young girl standing before me. I didn't realize until then that there are tears running down my face. Hurriedly, I tried to wipe it off.

"Don't worry, Mister. I'm sure she loves you too."

Before I could think of a suitable reply, a visibly irritated woman came up running and pulled her away.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to talk to strangers."

It must have been her mother and she was very angry. I wanted to stop her and tell her not to be hard on her little girl. But I suppose I would have done the same were I in her shoes. All the same, the child must have jolted me back to the present and I realized that the sun was beginning to set. I took another moment, remembering that bright afternoon when Soleil was vibrant and her eyes sparkled as the sun in her name. Then I stood up. It was getting late and I knew mom was probably frantic with worry over me.

The dorbell rang, the present intruding to the tides of a past long one. The door opened and a sudden whirlpool of motion came barrelling to me.

"Daddy! Daddy! You're home early."

I picked up the little tornado and kissed my daughter noisily on the cheeks. "Hello, honey. Give Daddy a kiss. Where's mommy?"

My four year old daughter gave me one of her famous wet kisses on the cheeks and smiled. Then she regarded me with solemn concern. "Daddy, have you been crying? Your cheeks are all wet and your eyes are red."

I looked at the eyes of my present life. And wished, once more, to hear her voice again.

"No, Soleil, sun of my life." I said to my daughter. "Why should I be when you're here now?"

Part 1 Part 2

stories index

If you want to find a specific word in any of the stories, you may enter the keyword in the search form below.