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LEAVING |
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Crack!
Jesse jumped at the sound, the sound of the rain spattering inside the bedroom filtering through her consciousness. She dropped the books she held in her hand and rushed to close the suddenly open window. It took her some time to pull against the buffeting wind and by that time, she was soaking wet.
With a muffled curse, she took off the halter-top, and reached for the turtleneck sweater on the bed. It was one of her least favorite things to wear, but who had the time to wade through the bundle?
As she put it on, one of the sleeves caught the items on the nightstand, sending the alarm clock and a half filled glass of water crashing to the floor. The pieces of glass against the water on the floor winked against the greyish light.
Suddenly, she was crying. All her pent up anger and frustration pouring in a torrent of tears. Outside, the rain that used to soothe her frazzled nerves, raged on in a cacophony of whistling wind and crackling thunder. She sat on the bed, her shoulders moving raggedly as she wept.
For long moments, she cried. And cried. Cried for the broken glass, cried for the water spilling on the floor, cried for what they have lost, cried for herself. Then, slowly, the storm inside her began to fade away, but the sadness began to weave its uneasy magic on her.
Finding nothing else, Jesse reached for a shirt on the bed and used it to wipe away the tears and to blow her nose noisily. It was almost funny, except she could’nt find any trace of humor to at least make her smile.
Resolutely, she got off the bed, going down on her knees to pick up the broken glass on the floor. She had to finish her packing before Alex came home. She had told him she would be gone by seven. The digital clock on the wall told her it was just a little after four in the afternoon.
There were still too many things to do, even after a whole day of sorting. It was harder than she originally thought. Each item held a trace of what had been. How do you squeeze three years of a life in a couple of suitcases and a hatbox?
"Jesse?"
Surprised, she gave a small shriek at Alex.
Instead of responding, he reached for a handkerchief in his pants pocket and came near. He pulled her to her feet and began examining the blood on her hand.
"Jesse, Jesse, you have to look at what you're doing." She had not even noticed the cut.
He had been always like that. Sweet, caring, responsible. Everything she ever wanted. Except for one thing. And that had been the reason all along why she was leaving.
She pulled away. "What are you doing here?" She hoped to God there was no trace of recrimination or anger in her voice.
He gave her an inscrutable look. Then he sat down on his haunches and began picking up the shards of glass and placing them on the handkerchief.
"I was on my lunch break." He said evenly, not looking at her. "I decided to walk around instead."
Jesse stared at him.
"The next thing I knew, there was a sudden drizzle and I had to take shelter in a coffee shop."
She began gathering up the fallen books and the pieces of paper that had been blown by the wind. When Alex started these stories, there was no rushing him.
"There were a few people who went inside the shop, same as I did. It was pretty festive actually, you would've made friends."
She glared at him, but he was intent on picking up the last bits of glass. He had always commented on her being too open to strangers in the past. Deciding to let that pass, she placed the books inside one of the suitcases.
"Then this old guy came inside. He asked to share my table since the shop was pretty full by then." He threw the broken glass into the waste paper bin. "We got to talking and he showed me some pictures of his dogs."
Jesse closed the lid of the suitcase, the sound echoing loudly through the sudden gap in the conversation.
"Don't go."
Hesitation, then she pulled open the last suitcase. "What for?" she did not even look at him. "Because of an old man and his dogs?"
"You know why."
She frowned. "Nope." Jesse took the folded clothes on the bed, carefully lining them inside. "I don't."
He made a sound of frustration. "What can I say to make you stay?"
How about saying I love you Jesse? I never heard you say it.
How about putting my name at the top of your priorities? How about making me feel important because you loved me, instead of just showing me how much you tolerated my presence in your life, because you were afraid to be lonely and therefore you keep me here, always waiting for the sky to fall. And how much you try to hide the guilt you feel for not being able to give me all these things.
She looked at him, all these things at the tip of her tongue. He was leaning on the dresser, looking lost and frustrated. Ordinarily, it would have melted her heart. Now, it just made her tired and sick.
Pride is a terrible thing; it breaks apart what people have. But so is begging and demanding love and attention, when all these things should be voluntarily given. Not asked for.
"No more arguments Alex." she said softly. Outside, the rain seemed to be slowing down. Even the wind had stopped whistling. "Please."
"Jesse-"
Click!
The latch closed, sealing the last suitcase with no difficulty. She put it down on the floor and looked around. There were other things she had thought she would like to take with her, objects that kept pieces of their memories together. Photo albums, compact disks of the songs they both liked, videotapes. She’d decided to leave them.
"This is goodbye then." Not even a question.
She gave him a weary smile. "Wouldn't it be wonderful if we lived in a perfect world?"
He gave her a puzzled look. Jesse picked up the two suitcases; the boxes were already in her car in the garage. Nothing left to keep after all. She wondered why it had taken so long to pack.
"In a perfect world, I'd be saying: I'll see you another time."
She turned around and walked out of the room. |
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